No idea. *Sigh*

I've been thru a lot recently. I keep saying that, Cuz its true. Lost a lot of ppl that i love in my life, And funny thing is, they all seem to be the ones that matter MOST to me. It sucks. It really does. There were so many points in my life where i just wanted to give up. I really did think at one point i was done. After losing my second baby, I really thought that this was a challenge that God gave me to overcome w. Alex. And i Still think that. Alex seemed optimistic about it. The day after everything happend he came to see me. We talked. And everything was great. Everything felt right. Idk what happend.

My whole life i used to think that falling in love was the easiest thing to do. And it is. But falling in love with someone and having a relationship with them, Is a life long struggle if ur really dedicated. Its not easy to maintain a relationship. And i know that now. I know that from so much xperience. And its funny. Cuz with all my other relationships i wasn't willing to make it work. I didn't want to put in the effort. I could care less. But with this one, I wud give my life to make it work. Cuz he means something to me. Not as a boyfriend, But as a person. As everything. Idk y he dosen't see it. He promised my daughter something at the beginning of our relationship. He promised he would take care of me. He wouldn't hurt me. And i don't think he does it intentionally. But he still does it.

I haven't been the best gf. I will admit that. I was going thru a lot. And i jumped into this relationship WAY to quick. I think it was becuz i was feeling vulnerable. I wanted love. I wanted someone to hold and kiss. ANd make all my tears and sadness go away. I didn;t think i would actually fall in love. I really didn't. Especially with Alex. But i did. And that changed everythinggggggggggg. That changed my life. So when i did, And when i realized it, Which took me forever. I didn't know what to do w. it. I still wasn't over about what happend. ANd i will never be over it. I was still vulnerable. Idk y. So i did a few things that hurt alex very much. I lied to him about a couple things that hurt him even more. ANd i sed words that really hit him. I wasn't the best gf. I'll even admit. I wasnt a good gf at all. period. But i wanted to be. I just had so many things going on in my life, that made me go back to my old ways. And going back to my old ways, Hurt alex. With the things i did to him. Yet he stuck by my side, Day and night. He took the time to understand me, SOMETHING THAT NONE of my x boyfriends ever did. (W. the exception on Bryan). Seriously. I didn't realize i had it so good. I didnt realize that i kept screwing up and he kept taking me back. Or i kept lying to him nd he kept forgiving me. My whole life i took the most important ppl for granted. I didnt appreciate what i had till it was gone. And till it was to late. And i didnt think that wud ever happen w. Alex.

But im starting to realize. Its happning. The worse is happening. he IS realizing that he can live without me maybe. That maybe he does deserve better. Idk wats going on in his head. But now that the tables have turned. And hes having his second thoughts. SOmething he never had. Or never told me he had, Its scaring me. Cuz i did it again. I took someone i really cared for, for granted. Something i always do. And this is the scariest position ive ever been in. Losing him. It took me to realize that he is the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with. And now that i realized it, I'm losing him. And it might be to late. I wish he knew how sorry i am. How i really wish i cud go back in time and change everything i ever did to him. I wish he actually KNEW how much i really love him. How i wud do nething to make him realize that i really do. That he means a lot to me. That i know what i did was wrong. And that i AM really sorry. And that i just kno that ima mess without him.

God send him to me for a reason. And i know it. God does everything for a reason. ANd i hope alex realizes that he put us together for a reason. He gave us this challenge that we r going thru, To see if r love is strong enuff to survive it. And if it is, Then i'm ready to start preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone that didnt actually leave me when the times got ruff. And im ready to spend the rest of my life going thru challenges w. him. And overcoming them every step of the way. I know that he is just devestated of what happend. I know it. And i can relate to him. I really can. And everybody knows i can. But i just dont understand y, He thinks we need time apart. When this is the time when we need each other most. I know he has ppl pulling him in all diff kinds of directions. telling him what he shud do now that the baby is gone. He shud leave me. He shud move on. He dosent need me. I dont need him. We dont need each other. Im co dependent - in the words of my best friend. But i konw what my heart feels. No body else does. They mite think they know whats best for me. But they dont. I DO. Cuz i feel my heart breaking everytime he tells me hes not shure if he wants to be with me. Nobody else feels my heart breaking when he tells me that. Nobody cries the way i do when he tells me that. Nobody feels the pain i do when he says that. Nobody knows how muchi love him. And how sorry i am.

BUt i hope he does one day. I hope he realizes and feels everything that i'm feeling. Cuz then he'll know that i truly do care for him. And that im truly sorry. And that i truly do love him. All the other guys in my life can never compare to him. Nothing cud. Cept for Alahzay and God. Lol. Even bryan! lol. I love bryan to death. I really do., And i put him b4 a lot of ppl in my life. And i will never stop loving him. Never ever. Its not that i love bryan more. Ive just loved him longer. But alex. It dosent matter how long ive loved bryan. Bryan cant take alex's place. Cuz alex is the one i see myself with in the future. Nobody else. =D

I hope he knows this. I hope God makes him realize that everything i say here is true. And that i am TRULY dedicated to showing him and proving to him that i am sorry and that i do need him. I cant just promise him. I need to prove it. Just like alex used to say.

Alex ur a great person. And sometimes i feel like u do deserve better. After everything i've been thru, And all the mistakes ive done, i feel like nothing compared to u. yet, U always seem to look past my mistakes, and NEver judged me once. Thats wat makes me realize that u really do care and love me. U stick by my side even when i have hurted u. And it took me till almost losing u, To make me realize how good i have it. HOw lucky i am! Its sad that it took me this long. And it took me till this. But i hope that i dont lose u. Cuz i need u. Not for my life. but for me. I can live my life without u. but i dont want to. I really dont want to.

I love you.

October 1.

I'm sitting on my bed. Have been laying down for the past 5 hours. Well really 8. Changed 3 times. And have cried more tears than i have ever b4 in a long time. Today i went to the hosptial. A lot of u kno by now what happend. I wasn't expecting it so much but now that it happend, Idk wat my reaction is supposed to be. ALl the sorrys sound the same. They all sound exactly the same. All the sad apologizes and condolences sound alike. Sound exactly like they did 5 months ago from this VERY DAY. May 1. Everyone sounds the same. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, But maybe it just wasn't meant to be".


I really wish the word sorry could just be eliminated out of the vocabulary. What does it even mean anymore. To me, IT HAS NO MEANING. after today it means nothing. Idk y these things happen to me. My reaction is exactly the reaction u wud get from someone else. But this is just how i am. how i feel. Which is nothing right now. Im tired of crying all the time. Tired of stress. Tired of everything. Tired of life. Alex. The person that means most. Is hurt. I wish i cud just tell him its okay, But all i wanna do is cry and never ever breathe again. I pray to God everynight. And its like he gave up on me. Why cant he hear me? Its not fair. One by one somebody keeps getting taken away from me. And it hurts.

I want things back to normal. i want my daughter back. I want my mom back. I want things back to normal. I want to go back to the days where i WANTED to grow up. Getting hurt didnt feel this bad. The pain didnt seem this unbearable. And the tears werent this much. The guilt wasnt this overbearing. I Want my life back.


Today has brought back all the memories of May 1 2008. The apologzies. That "awhs" the condolences. I hate it all. People dont understand and will never understand. I dont blame them. But the pain is something i just go thru with. Idk how i will make it. Alex dosen't seem to understand annything right now. I want him to be able to cry with me. To be here to hug me and hold me. but at the same time, It hurts to much. I love him. And now im scared of losing him too. He loved this kidd so much. He was so excited. So excited. For his first little angel. And i can only imagine what hes going through. And to see someone in so much pain. Someone whom i love so much, More than life itself. It kills me. I dont wanna live. But im trying to hang on, until he tells me to let go.

Life seems to fuck me over all the time. Yet right now i feel like i cheated myself. I feel lik maybe this all could have been prevented. If i hadnt exsisted. My exsistence isnt exactly needed for a lot of ppl. All i do i cause ppl pain and suffering. If it wasnt for my stupid mistakes..Alex wouldnt be hurt right now. my family wouldnt continue to be dissapointed in me. And my friends wudnt think of me as a screw up. I hate how my life works. Although the funny thing, Everything that happens, Ive had complete control of. Getting pregnant right after giving birth. Consequence. My consequence. Cuz now Im left w. nobody. I feel so lonely and empty. Try to stay strong for alex. Try not to cry and tell him how i really feel. im trying to put a front for him. but i just cant anymore. IM so tired. ANd my eyes r tired of crying. I can feel my heart break into a million pieces. And alex always seems to put it back together in a heartbeat. And now i dont kno if he can do that. After today...My life is in a new perspective. I just dont kno in which one. I need a plan. A life plan

A plan that will keep me breathing. A plan that will help me forget the pain. Im so sorry alex. Im sorry for everything. U mean the world to me. And i kno that Alahzay and her sister/ brother love u very much. But Maybe no matter how hard i try, theres a reason as to y this keeps happening. And maybe we shud stop and listen to the Lord.. Cuz he has given me more than enuff signs to make me realize im doing soething wrong.

Idk how i will ever get u to stop hurting. But i love you. And one day i hope thatll be enuff.