October 1.

I'm sitting on my bed. Have been laying down for the past 5 hours. Well really 8. Changed 3 times. And have cried more tears than i have ever b4 in a long time. Today i went to the hosptial. A lot of u kno by now what happend. I wasn't expecting it so much but now that it happend, Idk wat my reaction is supposed to be. ALl the sorrys sound the same. They all sound exactly the same. All the sad apologizes and condolences sound alike. Sound exactly like they did 5 months ago from this VERY DAY. May 1. Everyone sounds the same. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, But maybe it just wasn't meant to be".


I really wish the word sorry could just be eliminated out of the vocabulary. What does it even mean anymore. To me, IT HAS NO MEANING. after today it means nothing. Idk y these things happen to me. My reaction is exactly the reaction u wud get from someone else. But this is just how i am. how i feel. Which is nothing right now. Im tired of crying all the time. Tired of stress. Tired of everything. Tired of life. Alex. The person that means most. Is hurt. I wish i cud just tell him its okay, But all i wanna do is cry and never ever breathe again. I pray to God everynight. And its like he gave up on me. Why cant he hear me? Its not fair. One by one somebody keeps getting taken away from me. And it hurts.

I want things back to normal. i want my daughter back. I want my mom back. I want things back to normal. I want to go back to the days where i WANTED to grow up. Getting hurt didnt feel this bad. The pain didnt seem this unbearable. And the tears werent this much. The guilt wasnt this overbearing. I Want my life back.


Today has brought back all the memories of May 1 2008. The apologzies. That "awhs" the condolences. I hate it all. People dont understand and will never understand. I dont blame them. But the pain is something i just go thru with. Idk how i will make it. Alex dosen't seem to understand annything right now. I want him to be able to cry with me. To be here to hug me and hold me. but at the same time, It hurts to much. I love him. And now im scared of losing him too. He loved this kidd so much. He was so excited. So excited. For his first little angel. And i can only imagine what hes going through. And to see someone in so much pain. Someone whom i love so much, More than life itself. It kills me. I dont wanna live. But im trying to hang on, until he tells me to let go.

Life seems to fuck me over all the time. Yet right now i feel like i cheated myself. I feel lik maybe this all could have been prevented. If i hadnt exsisted. My exsistence isnt exactly needed for a lot of ppl. All i do i cause ppl pain and suffering. If it wasnt for my stupid mistakes..Alex wouldnt be hurt right now. my family wouldnt continue to be dissapointed in me. And my friends wudnt think of me as a screw up. I hate how my life works. Although the funny thing, Everything that happens, Ive had complete control of. Getting pregnant right after giving birth. Consequence. My consequence. Cuz now Im left w. nobody. I feel so lonely and empty. Try to stay strong for alex. Try not to cry and tell him how i really feel. im trying to put a front for him. but i just cant anymore. IM so tired. ANd my eyes r tired of crying. I can feel my heart break into a million pieces. And alex always seems to put it back together in a heartbeat. And now i dont kno if he can do that. After today...My life is in a new perspective. I just dont kno in which one. I need a plan. A life plan

A plan that will keep me breathing. A plan that will help me forget the pain. Im so sorry alex. Im sorry for everything. U mean the world to me. And i kno that Alahzay and her sister/ brother love u very much. But Maybe no matter how hard i try, theres a reason as to y this keeps happening. And maybe we shud stop and listen to the Lord.. Cuz he has given me more than enuff signs to make me realize im doing soething wrong.

Idk how i will ever get u to stop hurting. But i love you. And one day i hope thatll be enuff.