I've been thru a lot recently. I keep saying that, Cuz its true. Lost a lot of ppl that i love in my life, And funny thing is, they all seem to be the ones that matter MOST to me. It sucks. It really does. There were so many points in my life where i just wanted to give up. I really did think at one point i was done. After losing my second baby, I really thought that this was a challenge that God gave me to overcome w. Alex. And i Still think that. Alex seemed optimistic about it. The day after everything happend he came to see me. We talked. And everything was great. Everything felt right. Idk what happend.
My whole life i used to think that falling in love was the easiest thing to do. And it is. But falling in love with someone and having a relationship with them, Is a life long struggle if ur really dedicated. Its not easy to maintain a relationship. And i know that now. I know that from so much xperience. And its funny. Cuz with all my other relationships i wasn't willing to make it work. I didn't want to put in the effort. I could care less. But with this one, I wud give my life to make it work. Cuz he means something to me. Not as a boyfriend, But as a person. As everything. Idk y he dosen't see it. He promised my daughter something at the beginning of our relationship. He promised he would take care of me. He wouldn't hurt me. And i don't think he does it intentionally. But he still does it.
I haven't been the best gf. I will admit that. I was going thru a lot. And i jumped into this relationship WAY to quick. I think it was becuz i was feeling vulnerable. I wanted love. I wanted someone to hold and kiss. ANd make all my tears and sadness go away. I didn;t think i would actually fall in love. I really didn't. Especially with Alex. But i did. And that changed everythinggggggggggg. That changed my life. So when i did, And when i realized it, Which took me forever. I didn't know what to do w. it. I still wasn't over about what happend. ANd i will never be over it. I was still vulnerable. Idk y. So i did a few things that hurt alex very much. I lied to him about a couple things that hurt him even more. ANd i sed words that really hit him. I wasn't the best gf. I'll even admit. I wasnt a good gf at all. period. But i wanted to be. I just had so many things going on in my life, that made me go back to my old ways. And going back to my old ways, Hurt alex. With the things i did to him. Yet he stuck by my side, Day and night. He took the time to understand me, SOMETHING THAT NONE of my x boyfriends ever did. (W. the exception on Bryan). Seriously. I didn't realize i had it so good. I didnt realize that i kept screwing up and he kept taking me back. Or i kept lying to him nd he kept forgiving me. My whole life i took the most important ppl for granted. I didnt appreciate what i had till it was gone. And till it was to late. And i didnt think that wud ever happen w. Alex.
But im starting to realize. Its happning. The worse is happening. he IS realizing that he can live without me maybe. That maybe he does deserve better. Idk wats going on in his head. But now that the tables have turned. And hes having his second thoughts. SOmething he never had. Or never told me he had, Its scaring me. Cuz i did it again. I took someone i really cared for, for granted. Something i always do. And this is the scariest position ive ever been in. Losing him. It took me to realize that he is the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with. And now that i realized it, I'm losing him. And it might be to late. I wish he knew how sorry i am. How i really wish i cud go back in time and change everything i ever did to him. I wish he actually KNEW how much i really love him. How i wud do nething to make him realize that i really do. That he means a lot to me. That i know what i did was wrong. And that i AM really sorry. And that i just kno that ima mess without him.
God send him to me for a reason. And i know it. God does everything for a reason. ANd i hope alex realizes that he put us together for a reason. He gave us this challenge that we r going thru, To see if r love is strong enuff to survive it. And if it is, Then i'm ready to start preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone that didnt actually leave me when the times got ruff. And im ready to spend the rest of my life going thru challenges w. him. And overcoming them every step of the way. I know that he is just devestated of what happend. I know it. And i can relate to him. I really can. And everybody knows i can. But i just dont understand y, He thinks we need time apart. When this is the time when we need each other most. I know he has ppl pulling him in all diff kinds of directions. telling him what he shud do now that the baby is gone. He shud leave me. He shud move on. He dosent need me. I dont need him. We dont need each other. Im co dependent - in the words of my best friend. But i konw what my heart feels. No body else does. They mite think they know whats best for me. But they dont. I DO. Cuz i feel my heart breaking everytime he tells me hes not shure if he wants to be with me. Nobody else feels my heart breaking when he tells me that. Nobody cries the way i do when he tells me that. Nobody feels the pain i do when he says that. Nobody knows how muchi love him. And how sorry i am.
BUt i hope he does one day. I hope he realizes and feels everything that i'm feeling. Cuz then he'll know that i truly do care for him. And that im truly sorry. And that i truly do love him. All the other guys in my life can never compare to him. Nothing cud. Cept for Alahzay and God. Lol. Even bryan! lol. I love bryan to death. I really do., And i put him b4 a lot of ppl in my life. And i will never stop loving him. Never ever. Its not that i love bryan more. Ive just loved him longer. But alex. It dosent matter how long ive loved bryan. Bryan cant take alex's place. Cuz alex is the one i see myself with in the future. Nobody else. =D
I hope he knows this. I hope God makes him realize that everything i say here is true. And that i am TRULY dedicated to showing him and proving to him that i am sorry and that i do need him. I cant just promise him. I need to prove it. Just like alex used to say.
Alex ur a great person. And sometimes i feel like u do deserve better. After everything i've been thru, And all the mistakes ive done, i feel like nothing compared to u. yet, U always seem to look past my mistakes, and NEver judged me once. Thats wat makes me realize that u really do care and love me. U stick by my side even when i have hurted u. And it took me till almost losing u, To make me realize how good i have it. HOw lucky i am! Its sad that it took me this long. And it took me till this. But i hope that i dont lose u. Cuz i need u. Not for my life. but for me. I can live my life without u. but i dont want to. I really dont want to.
I love you.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
October 1.
I'm sitting on my bed. Have been laying down for the past 5 hours. Well really 8. Changed 3 times. And have cried more tears than i have ever b4 in a long time. Today i went to the hosptial. A lot of u kno by now what happend. I wasn't expecting it so much but now that it happend, Idk wat my reaction is supposed to be. ALl the sorrys sound the same. They all sound exactly the same. All the sad apologizes and condolences sound alike. Sound exactly like they did 5 months ago from this VERY DAY. May 1. Everyone sounds the same. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, But maybe it just wasn't meant to be".
I really wish the word sorry could just be eliminated out of the vocabulary. What does it even mean anymore. To me, IT HAS NO MEANING. after today it means nothing. Idk y these things happen to me. My reaction is exactly the reaction u wud get from someone else. But this is just how i am. how i feel. Which is nothing right now. Im tired of crying all the time. Tired of stress. Tired of everything. Tired of life. Alex. The person that means most. Is hurt. I wish i cud just tell him its okay, But all i wanna do is cry and never ever breathe again. I pray to God everynight. And its like he gave up on me. Why cant he hear me? Its not fair. One by one somebody keeps getting taken away from me. And it hurts.
I want things back to normal. i want my daughter back. I want my mom back. I want things back to normal. I want to go back to the days where i WANTED to grow up. Getting hurt didnt feel this bad. The pain didnt seem this unbearable. And the tears werent this much. The guilt wasnt this overbearing. I Want my life back.
Today has brought back all the memories of May 1 2008. The apologzies. That "awhs" the condolences. I hate it all. People dont understand and will never understand. I dont blame them. But the pain is something i just go thru with. Idk how i will make it. Alex dosen't seem to understand annything right now. I want him to be able to cry with me. To be here to hug me and hold me. but at the same time, It hurts to much. I love him. And now im scared of losing him too. He loved this kidd so much. He was so excited. So excited. For his first little angel. And i can only imagine what hes going through. And to see someone in so much pain. Someone whom i love so much, More than life itself. It kills me. I dont wanna live. But im trying to hang on, until he tells me to let go.
Life seems to fuck me over all the time. Yet right now i feel like i cheated myself. I feel lik maybe this all could have been prevented. If i hadnt exsisted. My exsistence isnt exactly needed for a lot of ppl. All i do i cause ppl pain and suffering. If it wasnt for my stupid mistakes..Alex wouldnt be hurt right now. my family wouldnt continue to be dissapointed in me. And my friends wudnt think of me as a screw up. I hate how my life works. Although the funny thing, Everything that happens, Ive had complete control of. Getting pregnant right after giving birth. Consequence. My consequence. Cuz now Im left w. nobody. I feel so lonely and empty. Try to stay strong for alex. Try not to cry and tell him how i really feel. im trying to put a front for him. but i just cant anymore. IM so tired. ANd my eyes r tired of crying. I can feel my heart break into a million pieces. And alex always seems to put it back together in a heartbeat. And now i dont kno if he can do that. After today...My life is in a new perspective. I just dont kno in which one. I need a plan. A life plan
A plan that will keep me breathing. A plan that will help me forget the pain. Im so sorry alex. Im sorry for everything. U mean the world to me. And i kno that Alahzay and her sister/ brother love u very much. But Maybe no matter how hard i try, theres a reason as to y this keeps happening. And maybe we shud stop and listen to the Lord.. Cuz he has given me more than enuff signs to make me realize im doing soething wrong.
Idk how i will ever get u to stop hurting. But i love you. And one day i hope thatll be enuff.
I really wish the word sorry could just be eliminated out of the vocabulary. What does it even mean anymore. To me, IT HAS NO MEANING. after today it means nothing. Idk y these things happen to me. My reaction is exactly the reaction u wud get from someone else. But this is just how i am. how i feel. Which is nothing right now. Im tired of crying all the time. Tired of stress. Tired of everything. Tired of life. Alex. The person that means most. Is hurt. I wish i cud just tell him its okay, But all i wanna do is cry and never ever breathe again. I pray to God everynight. And its like he gave up on me. Why cant he hear me? Its not fair. One by one somebody keeps getting taken away from me. And it hurts.
I want things back to normal. i want my daughter back. I want my mom back. I want things back to normal. I want to go back to the days where i WANTED to grow up. Getting hurt didnt feel this bad. The pain didnt seem this unbearable. And the tears werent this much. The guilt wasnt this overbearing. I Want my life back.
Today has brought back all the memories of May 1 2008. The apologzies. That "awhs" the condolences. I hate it all. People dont understand and will never understand. I dont blame them. But the pain is something i just go thru with. Idk how i will make it. Alex dosen't seem to understand annything right now. I want him to be able to cry with me. To be here to hug me and hold me. but at the same time, It hurts to much. I love him. And now im scared of losing him too. He loved this kidd so much. He was so excited. So excited. For his first little angel. And i can only imagine what hes going through. And to see someone in so much pain. Someone whom i love so much, More than life itself. It kills me. I dont wanna live. But im trying to hang on, until he tells me to let go.
Life seems to fuck me over all the time. Yet right now i feel like i cheated myself. I feel lik maybe this all could have been prevented. If i hadnt exsisted. My exsistence isnt exactly needed for a lot of ppl. All i do i cause ppl pain and suffering. If it wasnt for my stupid mistakes..Alex wouldnt be hurt right now. my family wouldnt continue to be dissapointed in me. And my friends wudnt think of me as a screw up. I hate how my life works. Although the funny thing, Everything that happens, Ive had complete control of. Getting pregnant right after giving birth. Consequence. My consequence. Cuz now Im left w. nobody. I feel so lonely and empty. Try to stay strong for alex. Try not to cry and tell him how i really feel. im trying to put a front for him. but i just cant anymore. IM so tired. ANd my eyes r tired of crying. I can feel my heart break into a million pieces. And alex always seems to put it back together in a heartbeat. And now i dont kno if he can do that. After today...My life is in a new perspective. I just dont kno in which one. I need a plan. A life plan
A plan that will keep me breathing. A plan that will help me forget the pain. Im so sorry alex. Im sorry for everything. U mean the world to me. And i kno that Alahzay and her sister/ brother love u very much. But Maybe no matter how hard i try, theres a reason as to y this keeps happening. And maybe we shud stop and listen to the Lord.. Cuz he has given me more than enuff signs to make me realize im doing soething wrong.
Idk how i will ever get u to stop hurting. But i love you. And one day i hope thatll be enuff.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Beauty in the breakdown.
This past wk has been hell. Me & Angelica r no longer friends no more. Cuz she decided to lie to my boyfriend to get money from him. Then apparently she calls that "talking shit & being fake". Anyways, I FIND OUT after that. After i cutt off my friendship with her, someone that threatend me and my child, someone that called me all sorts of names, someone that lost my trust and respect. I find out that Alex went and talked shit about me to her! Lovely isn't it? Yeahh whey're not perfect. But yet, that was just something i can NOT get over. How dare he? He lied flat out to my face when he told me he trusted me. Then he goes behind my back nd tells her he dosen't even believe its his kid. He has doubts about the baby. I did him wrong. I played him with 2 other guys. he went and told her ALLLLLL our history. And he expects me to get over it because apparently that "makes us even". Idk. I can't do it anymore! Its impossible! I've tried so hard lately to make this relationship work! And it just isnt working. After what he did, he lost all of my trust. All of it. And for him to stay friends with someone that lied to him. Someone that manipulated him. Someone that disrespected his gf so much, Is just not forgivable.
I just can't seem to get things right with us. no matter how hard i try. Then he goes to tell her that "she makes his days brighter" "he can talk to her about ANYTHING & she'll understand him". I've tried to hard, sooooooo hard to get him to open up to me. i wanted to be more than just a girlfriend to him. More than just a babymama. I wanted to be his best friend. Someone that he trusted with his secrets. Someone that he could come to. Somebody that he cared for enuff to cry and tell evreything hes feeling. THE TRUTH. but no. he went and talked about me. went and betrayed my trust. I feel so hurt. Yeah. Whey're not perfect. Especially me. I cheated on him twice. but u kno. HE KNOWS FOR A FACT! that lately i've been overworking myself to make shure our relationship was perfect. was at least close to perfect, and he told me he would never hurt me even though i hurted him. And he did. He hurt me so much worse. I trusted him. I really did. And he still talks to her everyday. he still believes her lies! He still is so gulliable to believe everything she tells him. I can't believe it.
I honestly wish i could tell him everything i'm feeling to his face. But i can't cuz ikno i would hurt his feelings. I honestly feel like i hate him sometimes. Hate him for hurting me. For causing me pain after everything i have been through. Especially after my daughter was born he told me that he would never hurt me. Cuz he KNEW everything i had just went through. Yet here he is. Hurting me and over and over again. Apologizing for it. I'm so done. I am.
Frankee. Again. He gets mad whenever i talk to other guys, yet here she is NUMBER One on his new myspace . Lol. Wow. he just dosen't get it. DOSENT AT ALL. its funny how he cud stay on the fone w. her till 2am. yet he gets so sleepy by 10 that he just has "no energy" to talk to me. Its funny how he gives her his passwords, yet i don't have them. its funny how he talks to her everyday now. its funny how now he wants to go to Teco. Seriously. He denies it. Yet he still acts like it shouldn't bother me. ALEX! my gawd. Get it thru ur head! Ur horrible. Ur a horrible boyfriend. Yeah U DONT DO THAT! she is someone from ur past, and u act like if its oki to have her there. NUMBER ONE. Have her hack ur myspace. Have her up there as if she meant more to u. Honestly. I just can't even think anymore. He just dosen't get it. AT ALL! he thinks it oki. he thinks its all fine. ITS NOT!
I swear I'm really done this time. I really am! No more. I can't take it anymore. he does EVERYTHING wrong. he does. and he just can;t seem to get it right. I'm over it. I have better things to do than fight and fight and fight. argue argue argue. Idc anymore. He really isnt worth me getting all stressed out. He just dosen't care. He dosen't see how i need him there. I need him HERE for the baby. I need him HERE with me. I need him at the baby app. I need him there hearing the heartbeats. I need him there holding my hand. But no he can't "afford to miss 3 periods".
Im so over it. He can stay talking to all them other broads. Idc. Ima do me. I really am over it. when he realizes that everything hes doing is just WRONG. and he fixes it! then maybe i'll consider making things work again. but as for now. Im just so done and over it!
I think ima go call an ex now = ]
Love ,
C
I just can't seem to get things right with us. no matter how hard i try. Then he goes to tell her that "she makes his days brighter" "he can talk to her about ANYTHING & she'll understand him". I've tried to hard, sooooooo hard to get him to open up to me. i wanted to be more than just a girlfriend to him. More than just a babymama. I wanted to be his best friend. Someone that he trusted with his secrets. Someone that he could come to. Somebody that he cared for enuff to cry and tell evreything hes feeling. THE TRUTH. but no. he went and talked about me. went and betrayed my trust. I feel so hurt. Yeah. Whey're not perfect. Especially me. I cheated on him twice. but u kno. HE KNOWS FOR A FACT! that lately i've been overworking myself to make shure our relationship was perfect. was at least close to perfect, and he told me he would never hurt me even though i hurted him. And he did. He hurt me so much worse. I trusted him. I really did. And he still talks to her everyday. he still believes her lies! He still is so gulliable to believe everything she tells him. I can't believe it.
I honestly wish i could tell him everything i'm feeling to his face. But i can't cuz ikno i would hurt his feelings. I honestly feel like i hate him sometimes. Hate him for hurting me. For causing me pain after everything i have been through. Especially after my daughter was born he told me that he would never hurt me. Cuz he KNEW everything i had just went through. Yet here he is. Hurting me and over and over again. Apologizing for it. I'm so done. I am.
Frankee. Again. He gets mad whenever i talk to other guys, yet here she is NUMBER One on his new myspace . Lol. Wow. he just dosen't get it. DOSENT AT ALL. its funny how he cud stay on the fone w. her till 2am. yet he gets so sleepy by 10 that he just has "no energy" to talk to me. Its funny how he gives her his passwords, yet i don't have them. its funny how he talks to her everyday now. its funny how now he wants to go to Teco. Seriously. He denies it. Yet he still acts like it shouldn't bother me. ALEX! my gawd. Get it thru ur head! Ur horrible. Ur a horrible boyfriend. Yeah U DONT DO THAT! she is someone from ur past, and u act like if its oki to have her there. NUMBER ONE. Have her hack ur myspace. Have her up there as if she meant more to u. Honestly. I just can't even think anymore. He just dosen't get it. AT ALL! he thinks it oki. he thinks its all fine. ITS NOT!
I swear I'm really done this time. I really am! No more. I can't take it anymore. he does EVERYTHING wrong. he does. and he just can;t seem to get it right. I'm over it. I have better things to do than fight and fight and fight. argue argue argue. Idc anymore. He really isnt worth me getting all stressed out. He just dosen't care. He dosen't see how i need him there. I need him HERE for the baby. I need him HERE with me. I need him at the baby app. I need him there hearing the heartbeats. I need him there holding my hand. But no he can't "afford to miss 3 periods".
Im so over it. He can stay talking to all them other broads. Idc. Ima do me. I really am over it. when he realizes that everything hes doing is just WRONG. and he fixes it! then maybe i'll consider making things work again. but as for now. Im just so done and over it!
I think ima go call an ex now = ]
Love ,
C
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
K.I.S.S.I.N.G :)
Today was mad chill. I woke up with a fone call from my boyfriend, telling me that he wasn't going to school today cause he wanted to see me :) So we spent like HALF the morning trying to plan out how I was gonna get there & when. So finally the time came when his homeboy surge picked me and my "sister" up.
I had the wackest cutty I've had in awhile! Shiiit Alex deff is losing his touch ;) Haha. I was in a pissed off mood , and I got into the biggest argument w. angelica & now me and her ain't talking. =/ Honestly I don't like it when ppl yell at me. I love her to death. I really do & She knows I got her back for anything and everything. She my ride or die bitch. & she ALWAYS been over protective of me. Thats just how she is with me. But I just don't like it when she yells at me. I don't like it when ppl yell at me period. Everybody knows that if you yell at me, IMA YELL BACK! Gshit. It don't matter who it is. I got a short patience. & Everbody knows that. I've been working on it, but i still need to improve on it. but just don't yell or get in my face. POINT BLANK. & there won't be no problems.
I love angelica to death tho. Forreal tahts my girl. SHe been there for me thru some tuff shit. & I don't blame her for yelling at me. SHe a good friend, and she my sister. & Ima always be there for her. No matter how much she pisses me off. No matter how many times she get me tight. I love her to death.
Now i'm tired outta my mind, & Ima go take a nap. I'll get at you guys later with some soul music that i was listening to today.
God Bless<3
C.
I had the wackest cutty I've had in awhile! Shiiit Alex deff is losing his touch ;) Haha. I was in a pissed off mood , and I got into the biggest argument w. angelica & now me and her ain't talking. =/ Honestly I don't like it when ppl yell at me. I love her to death. I really do & She knows I got her back for anything and everything. She my ride or die bitch. & she ALWAYS been over protective of me. Thats just how she is with me. But I just don't like it when she yells at me. I don't like it when ppl yell at me period. Everybody knows that if you yell at me, IMA YELL BACK! Gshit. It don't matter who it is. I got a short patience. & Everbody knows that. I've been working on it, but i still need to improve on it. but just don't yell or get in my face. POINT BLANK. & there won't be no problems.
I love angelica to death tho. Forreal tahts my girl. SHe been there for me thru some tuff shit. & I don't blame her for yelling at me. SHe a good friend, and she my sister. & Ima always be there for her. No matter how much she pisses me off. No matter how many times she get me tight. I love her to death.
Now i'm tired outta my mind, & Ima go take a nap. I'll get at you guys later with some soul music that i was listening to today.
God Bless<3
C.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Heaven Only Knows :)
OUCH!! "Camille that burns!!"
Today was hilerious! Apparently my boyfriend has like the worst sunburn ever, and being me, I didn't care :) Probably hugged him as hard as I could! Haha. Emerald then came along & slapped his back which just made my day lol Anywho I probably laughed harder today than I have in a lonnnnng time, thanx to Jonathan. Bus rides home are always the best when your sitting with ppl you love! I swear they make your day so much better. But anywho, So I get home feed my little one, lol THENNNN I take a nap which is something I hardly ever get to do but today was different. I think the Big Boss upstairs knew I needed a break.
So apprently today we talked about some issue in one of my classes bout the whole 9-11. Some lady named Sherli or idk, anywho was standing outside a funeral home where there was a funeral being held for a solider that had just passed, & she felt the need to say that she was glad he was dead. "Thank God for dead soldiers" "Thank God for 9-11" Blah Blah BLAHHH!
I swear i had never been so mad in my lifee! People are so friggin closed minded these days. What is going on with the world? The society we live in today is just so focused on the lives of others we don't even see whats going on in OURS! People! Get out of other peoples lives! Focus on yourselves! YOUR families, children, friends. But to go and say such hurtful things to somebody. Ugh it pissed me off!
DOODE WATCH THIS!!
I can't believe it! People so insane! And so closed minded! FAGS?! That is disgusting that she would use that world! What kind of hatred is she imposing on others around her. It's a lot hatred. thats what it is! Wtf! This is the society we live in today! Lik are you serious?! We are having children and sending them off into this cruel world. This is just another nieve person in the world that thinks they know everything, when indeed they don't know anything!
Anyways, so I felt so relaxed today. Well aside from watching that video lol.
So i decided to play John Legend which is always music for my CHILL MOOD.
I swear this guy is so fucking awesome. I mean who dosen't know him?
This is one of my favorite songs, that isn't written by him, but features him, and his voice makes it that much better. Deff one of my all time favorite jams! This niggah deff got it!
Heaven is also one of my favorites, Who dosen't know that song??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IY_3HH0YCg
Seriously watch it! It's amazing.
Well i'm off, I'm hungry && sleepy agian. See if I can get back to sleep b4 chaos begins again Lol.
God Bless<3
Love, C.
Today was hilerious! Apparently my boyfriend has like the worst sunburn ever, and being me, I didn't care :) Probably hugged him as hard as I could! Haha. Emerald then came along & slapped his back which just made my day lol Anywho I probably laughed harder today than I have in a lonnnnng time, thanx to Jonathan. Bus rides home are always the best when your sitting with ppl you love! I swear they make your day so much better. But anywho, So I get home feed my little one, lol THENNNN I take a nap which is something I hardly ever get to do but today was different. I think the Big Boss upstairs knew I needed a break.
So apprently today we talked about some issue in one of my classes bout the whole 9-11. Some lady named Sherli or idk, anywho was standing outside a funeral home where there was a funeral being held for a solider that had just passed, & she felt the need to say that she was glad he was dead. "Thank God for dead soldiers" "Thank God for 9-11" Blah Blah BLAHHH!
I swear i had never been so mad in my lifee! People are so friggin closed minded these days. What is going on with the world? The society we live in today is just so focused on the lives of others we don't even see whats going on in OURS! People! Get out of other peoples lives! Focus on yourselves! YOUR families, children, friends. But to go and say such hurtful things to somebody. Ugh it pissed me off!
DOODE WATCH THIS!!
I can't believe it! People so insane! And so closed minded! FAGS?! That is disgusting that she would use that world! What kind of hatred is she imposing on others around her. It's a lot hatred. thats what it is! Wtf! This is the society we live in today! Lik are you serious?! We are having children and sending them off into this cruel world. This is just another nieve person in the world that thinks they know everything, when indeed they don't know anything!
Anyways, so I felt so relaxed today. Well aside from watching that video lol.
So i decided to play John Legend which is always music for my CHILL MOOD.
I swear this guy is so fucking awesome. I mean who dosen't know him?
This is one of my favorite songs, that isn't written by him, but features him, and his voice makes it that much better. Deff one of my all time favorite jams! This niggah deff got it!
Heaven is also one of my favorites, Who dosen't know that song??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IY_3HH0YCg
Seriously watch it! It's amazing.
Well i'm off, I'm hungry && sleepy agian. See if I can get back to sleep b4 chaos begins again Lol.
God Bless<3
Love, C.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
holding on =/
So in the last few hours a lot has happend. Fighting, bickering, cursing, yelling. A whole lot of negavtivity. And if you know me, you know that my life since the very beginning has had a lot of negativity since the day I was born. But if you also know me, you'll know that i absolutley DISLIKE negativity. I don't like anything about it. and i don't like anything that comes out of it. Cuz nothing good comes out of negativity. Yet another day ended with it.
Arguing never solves anything, yet i always seem to do it. With almost everyone around me. Idk y. I know that i said i don't like negativity, But yet the simplest and littlest things tick me off! And get me real tight. A lot of people know me for the outspoken person I am. I say what needs to be said, even if nobody asks me for my opinion. Thats just the person I've always been. And it gets me in trouble a lot of the times.
One of the things I ask the Lord for everyday is PATIENCE. Cuz i know I don't have a lot of it. I don't have it barely at all. And thats definitly something that is a setback for me. It always seems to make things harder in life for me. I've changed a lot over this yr. A lot has happend. Everybody knows about what happend with my little angel Alahzay. Which yet I am NOT ready to write about. Yet my mothers passing, Althought I make it seem like it never really affected me. It definitly hit hard. I try so hard to seem strong everyday, but what nobody knows is that I'm probably the weakest out of everybody. As soon as I get home, I continue to fight a battle with myself and family, that never seems to get resolved. I've never really been a family person. Never. But with my mother dying, that really did make things worse. In fact, its make me a lot more distant with my family. And for some reason I don't know y. My state of mind is: God dosen't give you the choice of picking your family. But he gives you the choice of picking your friends. Well the same way you cutt of your friends though, you shure as hell can cutt of your family that SAME WAY. and I've done it before.
Idk. Life is just hard for me. it's always been that way, and I think it's always gonna be that way. No matter how hard I try, things will always be a challenge. People will always let me down, they will hurt me. they will try to hurt me, and I will fall down from time to time. but the things that keep me getting back up are the PEOPLE that are there for me each time I fall. They're there to tell me to get back up. And to help me back up.
They know who they are.
And the greatest one of all those people, Is the Lord himself. that never seems to let me down.
:)
I'll try and keep strong. and always, keep my faith no matter what.
Arguing never solves anything, yet i always seem to do it. With almost everyone around me. Idk y. I know that i said i don't like negativity, But yet the simplest and littlest things tick me off! And get me real tight. A lot of people know me for the outspoken person I am. I say what needs to be said, even if nobody asks me for my opinion. Thats just the person I've always been. And it gets me in trouble a lot of the times.
One of the things I ask the Lord for everyday is PATIENCE. Cuz i know I don't have a lot of it. I don't have it barely at all. And thats definitly something that is a setback for me. It always seems to make things harder in life for me. I've changed a lot over this yr. A lot has happend. Everybody knows about what happend with my little angel Alahzay. Which yet I am NOT ready to write about. Yet my mothers passing, Althought I make it seem like it never really affected me. It definitly hit hard. I try so hard to seem strong everyday, but what nobody knows is that I'm probably the weakest out of everybody. As soon as I get home, I continue to fight a battle with myself and family, that never seems to get resolved. I've never really been a family person. Never. But with my mother dying, that really did make things worse. In fact, its make me a lot more distant with my family. And for some reason I don't know y. My state of mind is: God dosen't give you the choice of picking your family. But he gives you the choice of picking your friends. Well the same way you cutt of your friends though, you shure as hell can cutt of your family that SAME WAY. and I've done it before.
Idk. Life is just hard for me. it's always been that way, and I think it's always gonna be that way. No matter how hard I try, things will always be a challenge. People will always let me down, they will hurt me. they will try to hurt me, and I will fall down from time to time. but the things that keep me getting back up are the PEOPLE that are there for me each time I fall. They're there to tell me to get back up. And to help me back up.
They know who they are.
And the greatest one of all those people, Is the Lord himself. that never seems to let me down.
:)
I'll try and keep strong. and always, keep my faith no matter what.
Useless Words.
So today was a chill day. I went out to eat and basically stayed home after that. Spent time with the family, which is something I hardly ever do. Lately I've realized that I've become a lot more observent of my surroundings. I've matured in a lot of areas, and I like it. I've realized that acting something I'm not, dosen't get me anywhere, and drama is uneccesary. School is my main focus :) Which I've been trying to exceed in lately.
As for the little one, it's growing day by day. Which causes me happiness everytime I think about it :) Good to know I have another blessing growing inside me also. Although many pass judgement on the situation, It don't matter to me :) My friends have become so supportive of the issue, and have tried their best to keep me relaxed. Cuz we all know my home life isn't exactly the most relaxing place. haha.
As for the BOYFRIEND. It tends to get complicated more and more each day. I love the niggah to death, but he can be a pain in the ass! Which along with my mood swings, comes the arguing and bitching. I love him to death, but sometimes I feel like I just need a break from the relationship! From HIM! But then again, without him, my day isn't complete. :)
Life is going okay lately, problems of course. but thats normal. I continue to thank God each day for the blessings he gives me, even though at times I don't seem to realize them and appreciate them.
I think I'm done for today. If anything else, I'll keep you guys posted on my some what interesting life. Lol.
God bless.<3
As for the little one, it's growing day by day. Which causes me happiness everytime I think about it :) Good to know I have another blessing growing inside me also. Although many pass judgement on the situation, It don't matter to me :) My friends have become so supportive of the issue, and have tried their best to keep me relaxed. Cuz we all know my home life isn't exactly the most relaxing place. haha.
As for the BOYFRIEND. It tends to get complicated more and more each day. I love the niggah to death, but he can be a pain in the ass! Which along with my mood swings, comes the arguing and bitching. I love him to death, but sometimes I feel like I just need a break from the relationship! From HIM! But then again, without him, my day isn't complete. :)
Life is going okay lately, problems of course. but thats normal. I continue to thank God each day for the blessings he gives me, even though at times I don't seem to realize them and appreciate them.
I think I'm done for today. If anything else, I'll keep you guys posted on my some what interesting life. Lol.
God bless.<3
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